“In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps” (Prov. 16:9).
For the past two years I have known that I had two precious babies waiting to be given the opportunity to grow, be born, and be added to our family. I have dreamed of them, given them faces and names, and loved them as if they were already here with us. I have even delayed having them placed in my body, because in my twisted mind as long as they were there waiting – hope was still alive. They were still alive.
On June 11th we were scheduled to have the embryos transferred to my womb. When we arrived at the hospital we had only one surviving embryo. As much as my heart broke for the lost baby, my hopes for another baby were still alive and well. You see, in the back of my mind, I had convinced myself that God owed the world another child from the Garrison Family. He had already blessed me with a precious girl who looks like her daddy but acts just like her mommy. So the way I saw it, with a little me in the world with tendencies toward crazy including obsessive compulsive disorder, surely the Father knew we needed a little Steven – full of love, acceptance and the desire for everyone to be happy (okay that last bit is the middle child syndrome but it could happen). But, alas, He must have other plans to bring balance to the universe.
This past Monday we found out that our final “medical” chance to have another baby was not successful (who knows what God may have planned, though). As I mourn the loss of those dear babies I have been dreaming about for more than 12 years and who have been real in my heart for the past 2 years, suddenly my Emmylou’s life becomes even more precious to me. Just when I think that I might be overwhelmed by sadness, she does another one of her crazy stunts making me crack up. It is bittersweet, though, because the desire for more like her remains a lump caught in my throat right behind the laughter.
What could have been has always been a struggle for me, and those little lives lost, dreams unrealized, futures unlived all have the potential to send me back to the place of darkness I functioned in for so many years before God brought us Emmylou. For her sake and my own, I will choose to walk in the light.
And what does a perpetually glass-half empty, un-medicated OCD person do to find the bright side? Why, make a list, of course! In order to stay true to my temperament, I will have to include both the positive and negative sides to each of my thoughts. We must be careful to never take ourselves too seriously, so in the midst of my grief – let’s laugh and celebrate this crazy thing called life, even if it must be at my expense.
No more gestating and lactating for me (my apologies gentlemen readers).
Unfortunately, I can’t think of a better way to spend the next couple of years of my life.
No more painful shots in the backside.
I would give anything to need to continue receiving those unfortunate shots.
Now I am free to work out to lose the rest of my baby fat from Emmylou.
Phooey, now I lost my excuse not to sign up for that Boot Camp class at the YMCA.
Caffeine, need I say more.
No more sleepless nights – feeding and soothing a newborn.
No more nights spent feeding and soothing a newborn instead of sleeping. Sleep is overrated.
I do not want my little Emmylou to be alone in the world. I truly desire to provide a brother and/or sister to be her forever companion(s).
As my sister so lovingly pointed out, she already has four little people who adore her completely. And while they are cousins, not siblings, she will never be alone. Thank you, Lord.
Really would have liked the opportunity to correct all the mistakes we have made so far in raising this critter. For instance, I was determined to get the next one to take a pacifier – nipple confusion, peshaw!
Who am I kidding, we just would have made different mistakes. Isn’t this parenting thing the most humbling experience of your life?
A sibling would have helped to prevent the critter from being spoiled rotten.
Oh yeah, too late for that.
“God gives. God takes. God’s name be ever blessed” (Job 1:21). And while I would have preferred to hold those babies in my hands not just my heart and know them in life not just my dreams, the Father knows best. Though my heart may be breaking, my faith will not be shaken. For I know that even when God chooses not to, HE IS ABLE.
And really, how could I ask for more?
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