Between absolute fear and peaceful relief

That is where I find myself these days. As I continue to study what it means to function in the Body of Christ both in the Scriptures and books that have been written by "experts," I am experiencing what one might call a crisis of belief. With that in mind, I look at my little one and wonder how I will ever teach her effectively something that is completely foreign to me even though I have "attended church" my entire life.

Hence, the absolute fear - embarking on unchartered territory without experience or even a mentor to guide me, human, that is. Then, surpisingly, the peaceful relief - realizing that I truly have been brought by God to the end of myself, my knowledge and my personal experience (short trip). What a relief to finally acknowledge that I do not have the answers and to be forced to rely totally upon God regarding what happens next. No more pretending to myself that I have it all figured out. I humbly stand before the Lord wanting only to be obedient, no matter the cost - fear, rejection, uncertainty, loneliness, discomfort, etc.

That brings me to my devotion time this morning. First, I took a moment to rage a little of my frustations and confess my fears and lack of faith to the Lord, begging Him to give me the faith that I need to obey Him in this area of unfamiliarity. Crying to Him in loneliness that I CANNOT share this struggle with many of my Christian friends, but must bear it alone with my husband, daughter and the Lord.

You see, transparent honesty and hard questions are not usually welcome on Sunday morning. But instead are greeted with judgment and misunderstanding. I know, because I have sat in the judgment seat of hypocrisy myself and have listened countless times to conversations of contempt toward fellow brothers who have struggled fitting in with the status quo of human tradition. Then I turned to my study and what would I receive but a hug from the God of the Universe. The commentary written by Kay Arthur on today's portion of Scripture was as follows:

"Yes, friends and loved ones may belittle and ridicule our words and our choices, but what does it matter as long as God continually whispers, 'I know who you are, My child, and it brings Me pleasure.' Man, after all, was made for God's glory, God's pleasure. How then can man be complete or satisfied until he achieves that for which he was created?"

Indeed. Then the peace that surpasses all understanding rushes over me once again. Thank you, Father.