Living in the Gray Twilight

In my quest for the real Jesus and an authentic life spent in service to Him, I am also charged with the responsibility of introducing my little one to Him and modeling for her what it means to walk in faith. With that in mind, I decided to read the book "Why Christian Kids Rebel" by Dr. Tim Kimmel - hoping to enlighten myself on the causes in order to avoid them along our journey together as a family.

In the process I was blessed with experiencing one of my favorite words in the English language - serendipity, an unsought for treasure. What I mean is God used the book to help me understand my current struggle with Western Christianity and the institutional church. I am "rebelling" against "the church" as we know it here in America for much the same reasons that some teenagers raised in Christian homes rebel against their parents.

I shared with my husband that through reading this book, I might be starting to understand myself and my issues - to which he guffawed so vigourously I fear he might have wet himself. Can a crazy person really understand what makes them crazy, and if they do, are they really crazy (i.e. Catch 22)? It is always such a blessing to be the comic relief for your loved ones.

An example from the book might help explain what I mean:

"Many rebellious kids are simply tired of life in the attic. They are tired of hiding. They are tired of the lethargy in their souls and the atrophy in their spiritual muscles. They are bored with a faith that takes no risks. They want to know either that their God is big enough and powerful enough to provide them safety among their enemies, or that He isn't. They especially want to see parents who claim to believe this living their lives in the face of their spiritual enemies."

Consider that statement with me as the kid and the institutional church as the parents. I am tired of the disconnect I see between the sermons preached, the Sunday School lessons taught, the Bible studies studied and actual lives of God's people, His bride. For instance, I cannot help but think what a single mother struggling to feed her children in this economy thinks of Jesus and His people when she drives by the church parking lot filled with Hummers, Beemers, etc. and sees the advertisement for a mulit-million dollar building campaign.

Wait a minute, you say, we need the bigger, fancier building so we can host better programs so that she and her children can come to know Jesus. Really? Buildings and programs change lives? Buildings and programs show people the love of Jesus? You're right, let's forget about the power of coming alongside her, bearing her burdern and putting food on this woman's table. That is too simple, not at all how Jesus showed us to care for those dear to his heart - the poor, the widow, the orphan, the alien amoung us.


Let's truly be honest. We need that basketball court and walking track so that we, our children included, do not have to come into contact with the filthy world. Never mind that is why we are still here.


And then the sermon on Sunday morning goes something like this: We are all horrible people because we come to church expecting something for ourselves and we need to get a missional mindset, get out there and get our hands dirty in the lives of the unsaved around us. All true.


But here is the rub. Next Sunday the sermon will admonish us concerning all the programs, activities, classes, etc. that need more volunteers in order to be successful. So, in order to prop up the institution and feel like "good" Christians who serve God, His Bride is guilted into attending more church services and spending all of her spare time at the church house - all the while the lost and hurting around us continue in their disbelief and wonder about this love we are always going on and on about.


Therein lies the disconnect of which I speak. We are taught to do one thing but then forced to do the very opposite by the mechanism of the very instituition that is teaching us what it means to be a Christ follower.


So Christianity is turned into a club that we are members of, a mere hobby that we participate in - instead of the authentic, sacrificial life of Jesus - The Word became flesh and dwelt among us. This sickens me, because I must count myself among the club members and hobbyists going through the motions of a Christian, living a selfish life consumed only with my comfort and the pursuit of my own life, my own liberty, and my own happiness. I have become that which breaks my heart for Christ and His Bride. I have allowed myself to fall more in love with the symbols and traditions and culture of my faith than the Author and Finisher of my faith - the Savior of my soul. I have turned God into the family pet (from Kimmel).


May the words of Teddy Roosevelt become the battle cry for myself and my fellow brothers and sisters: "Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat."


Upon realizing that the only people I know who are truly living the daring, glorious, risky life and raising their children in that environment are my precious friends serving overseas and working in a "ghetto school" in OKC, I chose to share this insight with my husband. I was greeted yet again with that knowing laugh, as if he were saying , "Now you are getting somewhere, sister."